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Goat's Notes

The White House Hamster Guy

Inquiring minds want to know: Is our national insecurity guarded by an elite team of specially trained rodents in residence?
 

"Have you ever heard of Ron?"

"Ron?" said Colonel Alexander.

"Ron who reactivated Uri."

Colonel Alexander fell silent ....

(STARpod.org) -- Jon Ronson's quest to track down Ron eventually led to men who stare at goats: Special Forces' psychic Goat Lab operations, including the psychic "death stare" -- but Ronson never revealed the mysterious Ron in his book.

I now have it on very good authority -- this from Ron himself -- that Ron is ... are you ready for this?

Forget the goats:

Ron is the "White House Hamster Guy."

That's right, it's on the (email) record [end of this article]:

Ron is THE White House Hamster Guy (in case you thought it was someone else, like Secretary of Defense Robert Gates).

Now it is true that the lowly hamster actually plays a bigger role than the famed goat in Jon Ronson's book. Perhaps this is because, as the rumor goes, Ron eventually shut down the Goat Lab.

It was Guy Savelli, according to Ronson, who dropped a goat stone dead at the Special Forces Goat Lab at Fort Bragg.

And it was Ron, according to his friend Dan T. Smith (the son of Presidential Tax Advisor Dan Throop Smith), who was "a point man for Special Forces" when he wasn't busy testifying in front of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee about his role at CIA.

Ronson asked Guy Savelli if he was the man who had stared a goat to death.

Savelli confessed to Ronson: "Yes, I did drop a goat when I was there."

Then he added, "Last week I killed my hamster."

Ronson wanted to make certain.

"Just by staring at it?"

"Yes."

"Hamsters drive me nuts."

According to Ronson's book, Guy Savelli had been contacted by the Special Forces shortly after 9/11, to reactivate his goat staring skill-set for the war on terror.

Savelli showed Ronson a video of his hamster dropping, legs straight up in the air.

It was tough to be a hamster during the Bush Administration.

If Ronson is right -- I truly suspect history will defend him -- it is the hamster, not the goat, that made a big comeback in the war on terror.

This, we have learned, goes all the way up to the top:

Ron is the White House Hamster Guy; Savelli is Master of his Hamster.

I have yet to hear of any serious challenge to either title!

Special Forces were not alone in the quest for superhuman psychic powers: Savelli showed Ronson email that was "'absolutely, positively' written by an al Qaeda operative."

Ronson told Savelli: "You're bait."

Savelli had something else in mind for his visit to Special Forces at Fort Bragg.

"I am taking a hamster out there and I'm going to blow their minds with it," he told Ronson.

Then, in July 2004, the hamster "went black."

"I phone Guy Savelli repeatedly ..." wrote Ronson, "but still to no avail. He doesn't call back."

I hadn't heard much more about the hapless hamster until this past summer, when Dan Smith announced that Ron had presented him with a new hamster assignment.

These were not your garden variety all-American hamsters: It was alleged that Ron, the White House Hamster Guy, only works with special Afghan Hamsters.

Was Ron hinting that the Afghan Hamster occupies a special (forces?) role in the Obama White House?

Is our Commander in Chief protected from evil black sorcerers by a "canary in a coal mind" Heuristic Active Rodentia Alert Status System?

Who, exactly, are these mysterious men who would stare at hamsters? What unspeakable acts may have been perpetrated by the Feds upon our furry little friends?

Inquiring minds want to know: Is our national insecurity guarded by an elite team of specially trained rodents in residence?

When I asked Ron to explain this strange hamster business, knowing that Dan Smith intended to drop by the White House gate for a visit, he replied:

"Dan is welcome any time. We need to catch up on what he learned about hamsters ... Dan knows that I am the White House Hamster Guy.  He may have added things up and concluded that hamsters are aliens."

This just in: sources tell us the White House Hamster Guy is no longer at the White House.

As for the aliens, ah, I mean hamsters, the strong rumor is they have taken up residence in the basement of a secure government facility in Mc Lean.

Copyright (c) 2009, 2010, 2011 by Gary S. Bekkum for STARpod.org --All rights reserved.